A rainbow after the storm -- Blayn

The loss of a child is a storm unlike any other. The ultimate mix of emotions calling you to stumble in every move you make. The day Rylan died I remember sitting on the floor sobbing and begging to be with him. Thankfully we were surrounded by family and friends who wrapped us in love and support.

Like I said in my previous post about Rylan the plan had always been for me to get my tubes tied shortly after having him. But, with the chaos of him coming early, then in the NICU, then home and then passing away I never discussed this option with my doctor. At my 6 week follow up appointment my doctor asked me "Do you think you will want to try again?" I remember being speechless and unsure how to answer that. Of course I hadn't thought about this as it had only been 3 weeks since Rylan had died. But I remembered that the plan had been to get sterilized and maybe that was the reason I wasn't able to. I sat there with tears in my eyes and managed to squeak out "I don't know" to my doctor.

Desperately wanting a reason for why all of this happened combined with my doctor asking me that question. I began thinking "Do I want to try again?" "Does Aaron want to try again given that Rylan was his only biological child?" "What if it happens again?" Something inside me said "It is ok to want another baby." After giving it some thought and asking the Lord for some guidance I knew that I did indeed want to try again. So I found the courage to ask Aaron what he thought about it and to my surprise he said "Yes I do want to have another baby." 

I talked with my doctor about the possibility of conceiving again and how safe would it be considering my history of early labors. He told me about a shot that you can get every week from week 17 to week 35 to help prevent preterm labor. As much as I don't like shots it sounded great to me. Get shot every week then have a healthy full term baby, simply and easy right?

It was surprisingly easy to get pregnant. Because let's face it I'm the definition of fertile. I have 5 children after all. I knew I was pregnant right away, even during the two week wait. I know it sounds crazy but trust me. I started craving bread and ketchup, that was my first sign. Although I already knew what the result would be but after the two week wait I tested. Positive. Pregnant. Aaron and I were both over the moon. Then the fear set in. While I was pregnant I worried about everything. So afraid something would go wrong and we wouldn't be able to keep him. I can honestly say that fear really hasn't gone away.

Other than having morning sickness the pregnancy was going well but not quite as perfect as my last one. At week 17 I started the shots just as we had talked about. Things were great and once again we were ecstatic to be having a bouncing baby boy. Then at week 29 my doctor ordered a follow up ultrasound and they found my cervix was failing. That weekend I started having contractions. Terrified that I was going into labor and confused as why the shots weren't working; I took a trip to labor and delivery. They were able to stop the contractions and put me on another medicine and bed rest.

The new medicine made my head hurt and my heart race. I felt like crap but it was all in the name of bringing a healthy baby into the world. My doctor decided to do ultrasounds every week to watch any change in my cervix. I was grateful for the opportunity to see my growing little boy every week but I was also consumed with fear. Many times I prayed and sometimes I would ask for some kind of sign. Anything to reassure me that this baby would live. And I would be answered with a rainbow. The first time I wasn't sure if that was really my sign but after the second time it happened I knew. Rainbows would be my sign that Blayn would be ok. He would live.

Despite all the efforts we made to prolong my pregnancy Blayn was ready to join us in the outside world. And so he did. On May 29th, just one day after Rylan's first anniversary in Heaven and 5 weeks early our healthy rainbow boy joined our lives and brightened our days.

The fear that at any moment he could be taken away from us still exists but each day that goes by gets a little better. I pray every day that we get to keep him. And when I'm really afraid I get reassured with the ultimate sign, a Rainbow!

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