Quitting...the blame game about SIDS

We know the most important thing we can do as parents is to protect our children. Having a child changes our world forever. We know we will feed them, love them, cuddle them, make sure they are kept happy and healthy. If they are sick we take them to the doctor and do everything we can to keep them comfortable.

What if you tuck your wonderful bundle of joy into bed feeling blessed and confident as a parent; only to wake up discovering your little one as slipped away quietly to Heaven. This is called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and it claims the lives of about 2,500 babies every year (statics found here). My family was affected by SIDS in 2011, when my son Rylan passed away in his sleep. Naturally our instinct is to blame ourselves, I know I did, because it is our purpose to protect our children, right?

At the time we had Rylan I already had 3 other children and now have another baby. (see here) Let me make it clear that there is nothing. I mean NOTHING that I did differently with him than I did with any of my other children. It was this fact alone that has kept my blame game at bay. But what about other parents? What about the first time parents who's baby became a victim of SIDS? They are left with blaming themselves because they have no reason to think otherwise. This breaks my heart.

Every time I talk with other SIDS parents I hear the same thing; "I blame myself". I won't lie I blamed myself too but after questioning "why" so many times and coming up without answers I have succumbed to the fact that there just are no answers. At this point there are only "recommendations" for how to reduce SIDS but even if you follow those recommendations to a tee there is no guarantee that your little one won't be the next victim. We can only pursue research to stop it. I'm not here to scare anyone or cause you to be paranoid. I am here to try and ease the minds of other SIDS parents.

I would like to say this to those parents:

                  "I know the likeliness is that you will still blame yourself at times. But I hope that when those thoughts creep into your head you think about this....For everything you did there are thousands of parents who have done the same thing with their own children and their children are fine. While that might upset you with the "Why my child, then" it may also help you to understand that it is NOTHING YOU DID WRONG!!!  Also, know that you are not alone and there are a lot of helpful support websites; two of my personal favorites are CJ Foundation for SIDS and SIDS Support - Learning to Cope "






 

9 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you had to endure such heartbreak..but you are right about the blame game. xo

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  2. Thisi s a great post that I'm sure was also so difficult to write. You are doing a wonderful thing by reassuring other parents that they should not blame themselves. So sorry for your loss. Thank you for being brave to share this with all of us.

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    1. Thank you for your support. Writing the post about Rylan was difficult, luckily these seem less difficult somehow.

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  3. This breaks my heart even though my heart has already been broken from losing my 4 week ild daughter Madalyn to SIDS. My 5 year old sons name is Rylan also so it really hit close to home. Im so sorry for your loss from one mommy of an angel baby to another. * Hugs*

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  4. I also have a 5 year old son...his name is Mason. So sorry for your loss.

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  5. I spend every night listening to my son breathe. I don't think there is anything out there that can ease my mind enough to not do this for an eternity. Case in point: My daughter is almost 9 years old and I still listen to her sleep.

    I have had 2 friends in the past 3 months lose their babies to SIDS. And because I am once again a new mommy, a been there done that but yet new again mommy, it hits so close to home and affects my mommy emotions and hormones.I hold my children just a little closer, I worry for them just a little more, I overreact just an easy teensy weensy bit more... Ok a lot more. And I hold so much anger for something we have yet to figure out the answer to: why?
    Why have we found no cause, no cure or preventative measure that is 100 percent effective? Why must I, along with every other parent, completely lose their sanity with worry over something that should have been figured out long ago... Yet we have to ask them and beg them to research it? And yet we still lose babies every year to this horrible issue.

    I feel so sorry for your loss and I cannot imagine even for a moment what you have gone through and what you continue to go through, and what you will hold in your heart for the rest of your life. Please I know that I am thinking of you and the thousands of other parents out there who have lost a baby due to this horrible condition.

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    1. My son Dæmon is almost 5 months old and my daughter Taylor is almost 9 years old.

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    2. I have the same mommy emotions, the same anger about not having the answers. I will say this Research is key. Dr. Hannah Kinney from The Children's Hospital in Boston is so close to identifying the connection to SIDS and low serotonin levels in those babies. Like you I listen closely every night for the sound of my little ones breathing. I've even been known to wake my guy up for fear he wasn't breathing. What can I say I'm a bit loony. But you are right everything seems magnified. Thank you for reaching out. Hugs those babies of yours and God bless your family!

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